


i think my life is of great importance, but i also think it is meaningless

by odekarnstein



Series: survival of the richest [2]
Category: Carmilla (Web Series), Carmilla - J. Sheridan Le Fanu
Genre: Emotional Hurt, F/F, Fluff, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-05
Updated: 2015-12-29
Packaged: 2018-05-05 01:45:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5356304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/odekarnstein/pseuds/odekarnstein
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i> You rock her back and forth while cradling her until she comes around. She keeps a tight grip on you the whole time, you whisper how it’s going to be okay and you can figure it out. When she finally stops crying, she leans back, her cheeks are flushed and eyes are rimmed red and the crying didn’t help with the bags that were already under them.</i>
</p><p> </p><p>  <i>You brush stray strands of hair out of her face, “Hey.”</i></p><p> </p><p>  <i>“Hey.”</i></p><p> </p><p>  <i>You pull her back for a hug and she mumbles against your neck, “Sometimes, it feels like it’s not real. What happened and what’s happening. It feels like a dream.” </i></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. importance

**Author's Note:**

> This covers a lot more ptsd and points out a lot of common symptoms. 
> 
> after i wrote this all i realized i wrote the victor's tour backwards. i am sorry.  
> also i had this written a while ago but i had some problems with editing so, here it is finally.  
> (title is a Camus quote)

* * *

**It isn’t until Laura** starts the Victor’s Tour that the Hunger Games began to show their effect. The survivor’s guilt hung over her like a cloud. She was okay at home. As far as you knew, since she was at school most of the day and by the time by the time she would come over to see you in the evenings, she was exhausted and “didn’t want to bother you.” Which you don’t understand, but you would still walk her back home, as she promised her dad that she would stay with him until after the Tour. You haven’t talked to him since the day he grabbed your arm, but you saw him watching you say good night to Laura through the window one night and give him a slight nod before walking away. You wish he had told you something about her, it’s when she freezes up in District One. When she sees the parents of the male tribute she had to kill and has to leave mid-way through her ‘speech’. You begin to worry; because you don’t think you’ve seen such a terrified look in her eyes. Danny tries to yell at her about it, but you stop it before Laura could become any more devastated.

“How many people did you have to kill, Xena?” You ask.

She furrows her eyebrows, “Two?”

“And how terrible did you feel?”

She just shrugs.

“Imagine killing five kids. Imagine that guilt and those nightmares.”

Danny mumbles something and walks off. Laura kept her head down until she got back on the train, she goes straight to her bedroom and doesn’t come back out till dinner. It hurts to see Laura like this, but you really have no clue of what to do besides _be there._ Like you wish you had someone. At dinner, she seems like Laura. Happy and talkative, going on about her school work and how she planned on doing something when she didn’t have to mentor. Perry is really the only one keeping the conversation going. Offering Laura a list of jobs she would be great for. Danny just stares at all her plates and nods every once and a while. You do feel bad for snapping at her like that, but she can’t treat someone who just walked out of the games the way she did. Acting like it’s effecting the way she looks when Laura freezes up like that.

She probably blocked all those memories out.

You knew Laura couldn’t just do that.

* * *

 

**The nightmares start** in District Three. Laura wakes up screaming about how she didn’t want too and how they didn’t deserve it.

You panicked too the first night it happened; you haven’t heard screaming like that in years. So you have to give yourself a second to calm down before you can calm her down. It still freaks you out, even though it’s something to expect. Sadly, it became a pattern.

Then, she begins to flash in the middle of the day. When you’re all sitting at the table or if you’re just reading while she watches TV or writes, something she’s picked up since the games. Luckily, you’re usually there. Some days, it’ll take her a couple minutes to calm back down and others, you just have to wait until she just passes out from exhaustion. Talking her down is becoming harder and harder, because whatever she’s processing, you can’t understand. It was easy to figure out it was about, when it first started. Now, it’s like reading a brick wall. She doesn’t talk about it either. You know what happened, but you still need to know what happened from her perspective to even try to help her. She refuses every time you try to push it out of her. Like she’ll go on about how she doesn’t want to bother you about it, how she’ll get over it on her own. You don’t believe her.

She doesn’t believe herself either.

You notice at night, after dinner usually, she’ll take deep breaths and try to talk. She usually makes a strange noise or half a word before her mouth clamps shut. All you can tell yourself is that it took you almost a year to talk about what happened to you.

* * *

**You’re at District Five** when she finally snaps. Laura wakes you up, and the look she gives you makes you pull her into a hug.Then she starts sobbing into your shoulder and begging for help. You rock her back and forth while cradling her until she comes around. She keeps a tight grip on you the whole time, you whisper how it’s going to be okay and you can figure it out. When she finally stops crying, she leans back, her cheeks are flushed and eyes are rimmed red and the crying didn’t help with the bags that were already under them.

You brush stray strands of hair out of her face, “Hey.”

“Hey.”

You pull her back for a hug and she mumbles against your neck, “Sometimes, it feels like it’s not real. What happened and what’s happening. It feels like a dream.”

“A lot of victors go through that.” You whisper. You never did, but most of the ones you met have.

“What did they do?” She leans back to look at you.

You play with a strand of hair that fell in her face again, “They have someone around. To ask if what happened was real or not. Or what they think is real or not.”

“Like if I asked you if I killed five people.”

“I would say real.”

She shakes her head, “I don’t understand why you care about how I recover so much.”

“I don’t want to see you become me.”

She sighs. You sound like a broken record to her, she’s heard that so many times from you but it doesn’t really matter to you, because you don’t want to see her so sad and empty.

“I hate this.” She mumbles.

“I hate seeing you like this.”

She shifts around to where she’s laying on her back and her head is resting on your chest. You pull her with you to where you can lean against the headboard. You start to play with her hair again. It’s a habit now, to play with her hair whenever she’s close to you.

“You trained me to fight correctly?” She starts.

You chuckle, “Real.”

“You like when I run my fingers up your arms.”

“Real.”

“I’m at home?”

“Not real.”

She starts to laugh, “Carm, I think you are home.”

* * *

**She starts to get better** after that night. It isn’t a large leap, but it’s enough for you to notice. She’s able to get through her speeches now and the interviews are no longer filled of just blank stares. She says you don’t need to be everywhere with her, now. You still are though. Just not right next to her. There are still nightmares. They are a little more controlled and predictable now. Laura doesn’t really scream out anymore when she has them too. It’s more just whimpers and she jerks around till she jumps up. Then she’ll cuddle into you.

You learn she doesn’t like to wake you up. You understand. Because she likes to take care of others and not have herself taken care of. So whenever she has a nightmare, you pretend to be asleep. Unless she calls out your name or won’t wake up from it.

On nights like that, you don’t really talk. You just turn around and let her crawl into your arms and sometimes she’ll talk. Usually, she just takes deep breaths and gets as close to you as possible. It’s hard to tell where you end and where she begins on nights like that. You love holding her close like that.

Then, you two blow up. Suddenly, instead of the media focusing on how Laura looks like a million bucks, it’s focusing on how you both seem to glow when you’re around each other. Then a photo leaks of you giving her a kiss in District Six; right before she goes on stage. People find pictures of you grinning at her from off stage and they start to ask a really personal questions.

Laura seems a little on edge but you just brush it all off.

She doesn’t blame you though. She just doesn’t like the idea of being an image for the Games. To show, “What a great outcome it can create.” Because they don’t speak of what the both of you have to deal with behind curtains and metal doors.

* * *

 

**When you arrive back at District Seven,** you immediately find yourself at Mattie’s. Even though you saw her between the games and the tour, it feels like forever since you’ve talked. You stay the night there, since they let you have a weekend in your home district before shipping you off for the rest of the Victor tour.

Mattie gives you a hug before letting you inside.

“Where the lovely lady?” She asks, giving you a glass of wine.

You roll your eyes, “With her dad. We do have _some_ moments apart.”

“The media sure doesn’t think so.”

“Do you think I care about the media?”

She shrugs nonchalantly, “Well, I would if they were blowing up my relationship like it was another plan of the Capital.”

“It’s the government’s fault that we are together, but I don’t think it was their plan. I’m sure they don’t like the idea of mentor and tribute dating.”

“Well, she’s a victor because of you.” Mattie says, raising her eyebrows, “And she doesn’t look to terrible for killing five people.”

You laugh, “She’s a stress eater. And, we actually talked. Laura’s not going to fall down that hole.”

“That’s what you think.”

“Why do you think I’m around her all the time?”

Mattie starts to laugh, “Because you, Carmilla, are in love.”

You know she’s right. She’s Matska and can basically read your mind. But the idea of love still scares you. You know that the Capital could take Laura away from you like candy from a baby. Or that you could get taken from her. You are so wrapped up in each other; you never thought of what could happen. It’s not uncommon for victors to get together, but it’s usually a couple years after the games. It’s all so fresh, and half of you wishes that you had waited a little longer before getting to serious. Then again, you’re not even sure if she would be alive if you hadn’t broken all your rules.

* * *

**Laura invites you to _actually_ meet her father** after she speaks to the district. It’s the calmest she has been on stage, you think it’s because of all the familiar faces. Her father looks the same as the first time you met him. He wears a thick flannel and you think he could probably trim a couple inches of his beard. This time though, he has a smile constantly and his cheeks are red from laughing. It’s kinda weird to see a man so tall and broad to have a daughter like Laura. He has her most of her personality though, a little more gentle but just as stubborn.

When he first sees you, he gives you a big hug and insist you call him George.

“Thank you, sir.” You say when you manage to pull yourself out of the hug.

“Thank you.”

You slip a hand in Laura’s back pocket, “Who would’ve known I just had to keep her alive.”

“Well, there were a couple close calls.”

Laura laughs, “I’m here. Isn’t that the good thing?”

“Of course it is,” You and George say it at the same time. Except he says pumpkin at the end and you say cutie. Laura just bursts into laughter.

He chuckles, “Nicknames, Carmilla?”

“They’re my specialty.”

He invites you to dinner that night. At first, you’re hesitant but Laura ends up convincing you into it. You remind her that you do have to be on the train by eleven so you couldn’t _get caught up in anything._ She just whacks your arm, but reminds you that there is sound-proof walls on the train.

Of course, she “forgets” her jacket at your house so you have to toss yours on her shoulders. She snuggles into it before beaming up at you. You feel yourself grin stupidly because Mattie’s words run through your mind. You are in love with her. You’re still scared but it feels like a high to have that pang in your chest when she smiles at you like that. Or when you wake up next to her and she just mumbles and pulls you closer. Even when she’s at her worst; held up in your room or you can see it all in her eyes but she won’t talk.

_You’re just so in love it doesn’t matter._

* * *

**You figure out how to help Laura** with her panic attacks and flashes in Eight. So when she gets off the stage in Nine and looks like she just going to flash; you pull her away from the group and into an isolated area. She stares at you, but isn’t focused on you.

“Laura,” You try to get her to make eye contact, “Listen to me count. And when you can, count with me.”

She nods slightly and you start. In the beginning her breaths are short, she can’t get control. Then, you manage to keep eye contact and you nod each time you say a number. She mimics you. And after about five minutes, she’s no longer shaking.

“Thank you.”

“No problem, cupcake.”

* * *

**You learn that Laura can play piano** in District Ten. Apparently, the governor was a friend of her mother; so you visit right before you leave for Eleven. After catching up and just talking about common interest, he leaves you alone while he is dealing with ‘business’. You don’t ask what that means. You were reading while Laura walked around the room when you heard the music start.

At first, you think it’s a track. Until you realize it’s not as clean, it’s rough and a bit out of tune. The song isn’t something you heard before too. You look away from your book, and find Laura sitting at the white piano. Her eyes focused on her fingers and the keys. Her hands bounce and head bobs slightly with the beat. It reminds you of the old movies you would watch in school, like the background music when the dad came home or the love interest finally kissed the girl. She’s too focused on playing to notice you walking over and sitting on the bench next to her. You’ve never been around instruments. The most you had was lullabies and whatever your mother put on the radio. Being a mentor only changed the fact you had your own radio and could choose what to play; which was jazz. Of all music.

Laura’s song though, reminded you of the old Mardi Gras themes that would play on the stations on Tuesday nights. The kind that made you want to dance around in the kitchen while making dinner. It’s upbeat but still has a smooth sound.

It was the kind that reminded you of a happy home.

* * *

**Winter is in full swing** when you arrive in District Twelve. The train car metal doesn’t do much to keep out the cold; you’re actually convinced when the heat isn’t turned on, that it’s cooler in the train than it is outside. This is when you find out that Laura is really warm natured. She complains about the snow and ice the whole time you’re past District Ten. It’s usually just below freezing this time of the year too. The only good thing about it all is that she’s usually glued to you. She claims that you’re just a natural heater. Which would make since, you are from the more northern part of your district. That makes it a lot cooler in the winter, which means that your body is used to it all. Plus, you grew up in a poorer household than Laura. A lot more fireplaces and blankets instead of a heating unit.

You can’t deny that it is freezing though. It’s a bone-chilling cold. One you can’t get rid of with just a couple jackets. The effect might be intensified by all of the terrors you see when you and Laura walk around Twelve.

You woke up in the middle of the night with Laura practically on top of you. You don’t mind, but she seems cold to an unhealthy level. You nudge her a couple times.

“Laura, Cupcake. Wake up.”

“Sleep.”

“Do you feel alright?”

“Mh, cold.”

You roll your eyes and try to get out from under her, but she holds you down.

“Stay.”

“I’m going to get more blankets, creampuff, so you don’t freeze to death.”

She lets you up with a whine. You walk into the hallway, where there are already blankets set in front of your door with a note that says _Keep warm. It’ll be the coldest tonight! :) ~ Perry._ This is one of the few times you’re happy she’s so over-prepared.

They are Capital blankets too. Which automatically makes them ten times better. You start to lay them across the bed and Laura when she mumbles,

“What’s took you so long?”

“I was gone for two minutes, Cupcake.”

“Too long.”

“You’re ridiculous.”

She grunts in protest. After making sure she was still comfortable, you got back in bed. You’re glad you got the blankets, because now it felt like laying in the summertime sun. Laura was still cold when you rolled over to her. You wrapped your arms around her waist and pulled her as close to you as possible, you kissed her shoulder a couple times before just resting your forehead on it.

You listened to her breathing begin to slow and even out before falling back asleep too.

* * *

**You arrived in the capital** a day after leaving District Twelve. That night there was a party planned for Laura’s victory and her birthday. She’s a lot more excited than you thought she would be to be back in the Capital.

“We get to explore this time!” She says when you ask why.

“There’s actually not that much. It’s basically a governor’s house turned into a city with a couple towers and marble buildings.”

She huffs, “What did you do when you had your day?”

“I went to the art museum. You’re not allowed to take pictures so I didn’t have swarms of people trying to follow me.”

Laura laughs, “Well, you’re going to actually have to do things this time.”

“Are you going to make me?” You smirk.

“Yeah,” She trails her fingers up your arm, “I’ve got a few ideas on how to make you.”

* * *

**Laura does drag you around the city.** You smile the whole time though. She listens to your random facts about the city and its buildings or its history while pulling you down street to street. She pulls you into a couple stores and luckily neither of you have to pay. Since you’re so well known now and the capital’s ‘Ideal Couple’. Kids run up and beg for Laura’s autograph or a hug and parents make small chat before pulling them away. A couple guys hit on you while their friends talk to Laura. You have resist punching them in the throat.

She lets you take her to the art museum and you end up dragging her around. You can list off a couple of the paintings, they’re classics. But there are a couple new ones, those are the ones that catch Laura’s attention. You don’t really think she’s listening you when you talk. She just kinda stares at you with heart eyes. What really makes it obvious is that she’ll kiss you in the middle of your sentence and giggle randomly.

She’s standing incredibly close to you while you talk about one of your favorite pieces. It’s a remake of Gustav Klimt’s _The Kiss._ It’s actually really well done, when comparing it to the picture they have of the original. You turn to look at her and you’re pretty sure your noses brush. You’re so close together. She’s smiling so sweetly and looks so gentle, it reminds you of the night in front of the window. When you first kissed her. So you kiss her again.

She sighs and leans into you. She’s so soft and warm against you and she runs her hands up and down your arms. Slowly, because she knows it drives you crazy. You wrap your arms around her back. You’ve never been so happy before, or maybe you just haven’t felt this happy in a long time. You don’t think you have felt your heart beat so fast even though you’ve done this before. But it feels different. It feels like going home after a long day or finally finishing a good book. It’s so natural.

She leans back when you start to smile, “What are you thinking about?”

“You.”

* * *

**You’re alone in your room for the night.** Laura said she was going to talk to Perry about some ‘Girl Stuff’, you don’t know what that means, but it’s probably something that you haven’t heard of. You manage to finish a book, but it’s still only nine when you start to get ready for bed. You didn’t realize how Laura makes time move faster. She walks in while you’re changing and looks a little nervous.

“Hey, Cupcake.” You raise your eyebrows, “You okay.”

“Perfect.”

You nod and lay down. She starts to walk around the room while getting ready for bed. You watch her the whole time, but she doesn’t make eye contact. When she slips under the covers next to you, she smiles nervously.

“How was your night?”

“Slow.”

Laura nods, “So, I’ve got a question, Carm.”

“And?”

“I was wondering if- you know. Wanted to like, I don’t know, move in with each other when we get back? I mean I understand if you think it’s to fast but I mean we basically live together now and we alrea-”

“Laura,” You cut off her rambling, “Yes. I’ll move in with you.”

The smile she gives you makes your heart swell a couple sizes.

* * *

**At the party, everyone has eyes on Laura.** You can’t really say the have a choice either. She looks _stunning_. Perry had pulled her out of your room early in the evening and said it was a surprise for her birthday. You brushed it off, it’s not like Perry could do any harm. You ended up walking to President Snow’s mansion with Danny, who has a smirk on her face the whole way there. There was obviously a plan. She walked you to the bar and ordered two whiskeys before sitting next to you. You chatted for a while, greeted some of the people you recognized as sponsors or gamemakers though the years, and stayed alert for Laura.

It was another half hour and you and Danny were arguing about the meaning of a poem when the room when silent. Danny started to give you that stupid smirk again like she won again. You shoved her and looked to where everyone else was clapping.

Perry was leading Laura through the crowd.

She was wearing a dress. It wasn’t to extravagant, it was a soft yellow and had light violet lining. She was wearing a little more make-up than usual; it brought out her cheekbones and jawline, making her look older. She looked beautiful. You were never a fan of Capital, but Laura does change a lot of the things you like and do not like.

When you stand to greet her, you feel under-dressed. She’s also a couple inches taller than you, which makes you feel like a teenager next to a woman. She has her head held high and you just kinda smirk at the cameras. You just wore leather pants, a button down, and suit jacket. You weren’t as elegant as her. But you can tell she doesn’t really care about what you’re worried about when she gives you that smile that makes your heart do flips.

“You look beautiful.” You whisper while someone takes a photo of the both of you.

She just blushes and kisses your cheek.

* * *

**The dinner and dance go fine.** Laura stuffs herself and probably eats more cake than she should. They offer her the liquid, she says no and goes on to rant about how they’re all vomiting to eat more while there are districts that have very little food. You have to remind her a couple of times that they grew up with this, and probably don’t know how severe it is in Twelve. Then you pull her away to dance.

She hesitates at first, “Carm, I can’t dance.”

“It’s not that hard,” You say, guiding her to the edge of the floor, “Just follow me.”

She watches your feet at first, and you end up making her take off the heels because you don’t want a couple broken toes on your girlfriend’s birthday. She sighs when her bare feet touch the ground and she’s already less clumsy without the heels. It takes her a couple run-throughs, but she gets the hang of a basic waltz faster than most.

She giggles when you spin her and lets out a full laugh when you dip her for the first time. You get lost dancing with her. Sharing smiles and tripping every once in a while. She keeps apologizing when she steps on your feet but you could really care less about how sore your toes will be tomorrow when she’s having this much fun.

Whenever someone tries to take Laura for a dance of their own, you pull her a little closer to you.

* * *

**The fun lasts a little longer.** Until they call everyone outside for Snow’s speech. He doesn’t talk long. Mostly taking about how Laura is an inspiration for all the girls who have a ‘vertical disadvantage’. Even she chuckles when he says that. He goes on about how she showed a fight for love and how just three weeks can change your whole life.

You feel like he’s staring right at you when he says, “And of course, love will always be there. No matter the person.”

The both of you tense up when people start to scream. You never understood why the Capital worships Snow like a god, but someone is full blown sobbing when he walks off the balcony. Then, they start the holograms of the fire works. Laura squeals and starts to talk about how real they look. You nod, hoping she gets even happier when she sees the real ones.

Of course, it does the opposite when the first one lets out a loud crack.

* * *

**No one follows you as you pull her away** from the square. They probably don’t even notice. You walk far enough to where the booming is just faint echos and it’s almost completely dark, besides some lamps. You’re pretty sure you’re in the garden.

Laura is starting to calm down, but you continue to count. You lead her to a bench and make her sit down. She turns towards you as she focuses on your voice; you don’t stop counting until the panic in her eyes is gone. You smile gently but she looks away from you.

“Sorry.”

You sigh, “Why are you sorry?”

“I made you miss the fireworks.”

“I don’t care about the fireworks. I care about you.”

She laughs, “Yeah, but I was doing so well! I hadn’t had one of those since Nine.”

“Cupcake,” She glances up at you, “it’ll happen. It still happens to me. It’s not just something that can disappear.”

“Still, I wish it could’ve been a little later.” Laura sighs and leans her head on your shoulder, “They were so beautiful.”

“I can show you something as beautiful.” You say.

“Please don’t pull out a mirror or something,” She groans.

You sigh. Of course that’s what she thinks.

“No,” You point out a line of stars, “You know what that is, right?”

“Orion’s belt.”

“Do you know his full constellation?”

She shakes her head.

You start with the belt and then his body, then his sword, then the lion.

“Some people think it’s a shield and bat. I know a couple people who say he’s pulling an arrow.”

Laura laughs, “Is there a club just for Orion?”

“No,” You roll your eyes, “It’s just preference.”

“Why do you like the lion one?”

“Why would someone’s hand be that big?”

She giggles. You start to point out Sirius and she brings up that he’s also called the Big Dog. So you point out Little Dog.

“That’s ridiculous! It’s two stars!”

You shake your head, “Don’t blame me.”

“It’s not fair.”

_“It’s a drawing in the sky, Laura.”_

She blushes and you kiss her cheek.

“Whatever.”

* * *

**You walk back to the party** hand in hand. After you’re sure they stopped with the real fireworks. The only ones who noticed you left were Perry and Danny. They give you suspecting looks until you shake your head. They dropped whatever they thought ant trailed behind you back into the mansion. Danny throws an arm around her shoulder and asks if she feels aright enough to do one last speech. This time, without the note. She says yes of course.

Laura stands on stage confidently. She has a firm smile and isn’t slouching, but you can still tell something happened because a little bit of her make up has run and her cheeks are still red. You hope you are the only one that knows she’s shaking when she grabs the microphone. She speaks clear and loud though.

“I’m really hoping this is the last and only time I talk into a microphone without notes.”

The crowd chuckles and you give her a small clap. Which she glares at you for because the party-goers start to follow along and whistle and clap. She gets them to quiet down before talking again.

“I’d like to thank you all for, uhm, supporting me and being here. It’s really been a ride. It really has, I’ve made great friends and talked to some old ones, uh, its really been a big experience and I feel a lot older than sixteen because of it.”

Even you forget she’s sixteen because some of the people in the crowd shift with you. She really has changed, but it’s been slow and unnoticeable if you’re around her a lot. You can’t imagine how her dad was when he saw her during the tour.

“But really, as fun as it has been,” She looks right at you, “I just really want to go home.”

That’s where you plan on taking her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> follow me at these places if you wanna  
> [my writing blog (if you wanna ask questions about this stuff)](http://www.odekarnstein.tumblr.com)  
> [my main blog (if you wanna ask questions about me or whatever)](http://www.carmxllakarnstexn.tumblr.com)


	2. meaningless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> learning to cope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter really goes over PTSD and how they learn to cope.  
> It goes over death and there are flashes, anxiety attacks, nightmares ect.  
> it's still sweet, but you know, things like this don't just dissapear because you fall in love. trust me, i've lived this.

**Laura starts to move in the week after you get back from the Capital.** It takes you a day to get all her boxes moved from her father’s house to your house. She says half of it is just things left in her Mother’s will. You wonder why they never moved into Victor’s Village, but then again you grew up on the poor side of town and she grew up on the richer. And her father seems like a home-bound person. So, when you finally get to where all of the boxes are where they are labeled; you just want to fall into bed and sleep for a couple days. You haven’t felt so exhausted in a while. You still have to unpack and have to organize everything, it shouldn’t be over-crowded. Since the house is so large and the things you have the most of are books.

It’s still overwhelming to have the boxes of clothes seemingly towering over you.

You shower with Laura still in the bathroom. It doesn’t really bother you that she used all of the hot water, maybe you’re just to exhausted to really care. At least you’ll have her to cuddle up to now. She leaves the door open when she leaves, causing a shiver to go through you as you step out of the shower. You quickly dry off and dry your hair before throwing on an old shirt and slipping into your bedroom. You start to wander around while getting ready for bed, to busy thinking to notice Laura staring at you.

You eventually feel her gaze and look back at her.

When you first moved in, you positioned the bed to where the light from outside would hit it at an angle to where it wouldn’t be in your eyes whenever you wake up. Right now, you’re thanking your past self because of the way the moonlight hits her makes her look like an angel. Her whole body is framed and the contrast against the bed sheets makes her look like she’s glowing. She looks so sweet and you’re so helpless as you try not to stare.

“Hey,” You feel breathless.

“Hey.”

You lay down next to her. She reaches out and runs her fingers up and down your bicep and you both know you’re thinking the same thing. You trace her jaw with your finger and move a little closer to her. She sighs and her eyes flutter as you trace your finger down her neck. You feel each twitch at the sensitive spots. You’re determined to memorize her like this.

“Your fingers are calloused.” She mumbles.

You nod, “I’ll show you why one day.”

She smiles and pulls your hand away from her shoulder and intertwines your fingers. She tugs to pull you closer and starts to intertwine your legs.

“You’re cold.”

“Because someone used all my hot water.”

_“Our.”_ She corrects.

You smile and lean your head forward and brush against hers. She mumbles something about you being cold as a good thing because you’ll actually stay cuddled up to her longer instead of brushing her off and take all of the blankets. You chuckle and wrap and arm around her waist and she tucks her head against your shoulders.

Yeah, your arm may be falling asleep but it doesn’t really matter because ever since you have moved in here, you felt homesick. You never really felt like you had a place to be.

But finally, the house feels like a home.

* * *

**One day, when Laura comes back from school,** you’re sitting in the study, reading again. You listen to her talk about what they went over and how people would annoy her, you’d throw a comment in there once or twice and laugh at something stupid. Usually, she’d talk until the both of you got bored with homework and reading and decided to do something. But today, she went quiet after she explained some math equation that your mind couldn’t really handle. Then you glanced up to see her focused more on you than the packet in her lap.

“Yes, cupcake?” You smirk.

She smiles and says, “What _do_ you do all day? I mean, you always talk about staying busy, but I would have figured you’d read every book in the district already.”

“Well, I haven’t read every book,” You shrug, “I do some woodwork, I’ll go visit Mattie, sometimes Danny makes me work out with her when I’ve been held up too long. And who do you think keeps that garden looking so good outside?”

Her giggles make you grin a little larger.

“Carmilla Karnstein; gardener and woodworking extraordinaire.”

“Not all of us got to just chill as a kid. Maman would sell my little designs when I was a kid.” You say pointedly.

Laura rolls her eyes, “Yeah, yeah. But how come I haven’t seen any?”

“Look around the house. Just because the Capital kisses my ass sometimes, doesn’t mean they’re willing to give me all the art I want.”

You watch how it takes a second for it all to click and she grins, “So you’re M.K.?”

You nod.

“Why M?”

“Because little William couldn’t pronounce my name correctly. Mircalla just kinda stuck with him. Out of all things.”

Neither of you really talk about family. You know her father and know of her mother. She’s never met Mattie and doesn’t really push you to let her, sometimes she’ll ask about your childhood and you just brush it off. Saying that it was following your father around to learn how to work and survive. She says that you should live it now, since you are one of the richest people in the district. But you can’t imagine being careless again.

“William?”

“My little brother,” You sigh, “He was sick his whole life, but we made it as great as possible. He died before he could even have the chance to get his name pulled, which was probably a good thing.”

“Oh.”

“Enough tragic back story. Want to go on a walk?”

* * *

**You wake up with your chest burning** and the scar like it was being shot all over again. The nightmare racks through your mind like a distant memory; you can’t make out every detail, but you can’t get yourself to calm down. You sit up and try to remind yourself that you are okay. You run your hand over the scar. _It’s just a dream. It’s just a scar. It’s over._ Your throat is dry and you still gasp for breath. You didn’t even notice Laura was awake till she walks in the room with a glass of water and rag. She gives you a small smile before handing you the glass. You feel bad for waking her up, but comforted by the fact that she’s here for you.

You drink half the glass before setting it on the nightstand, “You didn’t have to do that.”

“I don’t have to do half the stuff I do,” She says, “I just can’t help taking care of you.”

You blush and look at your lap, “I don’t like being taken care of.”

“I know,” You feel her fingers brush against the scar, “But you need it sometimes.”

Then she lifts her chin to kiss you and you melt into her. It’s so unlike you but you’re not used to being comforted after a nightmare, so you let your barrier to fall. It’s short and sweet. When she pulls away, she kisses your forehead, nose, and slowly moves down your body until she’s at your chest. It’s nothing sexual. It’s just her way of taking care of you.

She kisses your scar, “I like it.”

“Why?” You feel breathless.

“It shows me how much you’ve survived.”

You’ve never heard someone say something like that to you before.

* * *

**Laura graduated school a couple months before the rest of the kids.** It shakes you a bit. Reminding you she’s just now getting out of high school, while you only went for two years. Plus, you are so used to getting the alone time while she’s there and now she’s around all the time.

You feel bad. You really do, because she’s just trying to be your girlfriend but you get snappy and lash out at her. It takes a while for you to learn each other again. At first, Laura hovers over you and tries to figure out what’s wrong. Some days, you have to lock yourself in the study to feel like you’re alone. She caught on, only slipping in treys of food while you read. When you would leave, she wouldn’t try to talk either. Only asking if you were okay when you slipped in next to her in bed or watched tv with her on the couch.

One night, you were at Mattie’s, you didn’t plan on staying as late as you did. But she insisted you have one night with her. You stumbled home and into the bedroom. Finding Laura curled up in the bed, not moving and looking spaced out. For a second, you think she’s dead and want to panic yourself, but when she starts to mumble about you and how you were gone; sobriety hits you in an instant. You’re kneeling on the ground next to her and trying to pull her out of the attack. It scares the both of you when she finally realizes your back and she starts to sob.

“I thought you were _dead!”_

You can only repeat how you’re sorry as she goes on about you and leaving her.

After that night, you have to sit down and talk. There is no more ignoring it and no more pushing it away. You sit there and explain yourselves. Try to figure out your triggers and how an attack can happen. In the end, you’re complete opposites when it comes to the whole, PTSD thing.

She get anxious when she’s alone without warning. She flashes, a lot. She lashes out. She doesn’t know how to handle herself. She talks to get her mind off things. She plots and plans about how her day will go and what she’ll stay. She uses this to stay away from triggers. _This isn’t how I was before._

You get overwhelmed when you’re being smothered. You paint and carve to distract yourself from your thoughts. You read to isolate yourself. When it gets to too much, you write it all down on a piece of paper. You don’t like talking about it. _I lived like this for so long, I can’t remember what it was like before._

Then again maybe you aren’t all that different. You both have nightmares and you distract yourselves by doing the things you love.

“We should figure out a way to communicate, you know?” She starts, “Like days when you don’t wanna be messed with and days I need to plan it all out. Code words or something.”

“Like, I just say something like, ‘overwhelmed’ and you know to fuck off?”

She rolls her eyes, “I guess.”

“Well, what happens when we both have a day?”

She shrugs, “We can figure it out when it happens.”

It does, eventually. She has to plan everything around you. You hear her clean and leave the house a couple times while you try to focus on your book. But it gets to be too much, you’re pretty sure her father is over. His voice echos down every hallway. You have to leave, find somewhere where you can focus on one thing. You think Mattie’s but that requires going through town, which wouldn’t help with the headache. Danny would probably force you into something. You decide on the meadow, it’s just off your property.

You don’t come back until later that night, when you feel settled enough. When you walk in, Laura rushes to give you a hug and stiffens for a second before stepping back at arm’s length.

“I’m sorry. It’s just you were gone and I got worried and my dad said you had left and I didn’t know if I did something or-”

You close the space between the both of you, “I’m fine, cupcake. The outdoors helped. Don’t worry about me. How are you?”

“I’m fine.” She rolls her eyes, “I was just worried.”

You kiss her forehead, “When won’t you.”

* * *

**She has the worst flash you’ve seen**  a couple weeks after that night. She gave you the signal she was going to have a bad day as soon as she woke up. When she slipped you a note with the schedule, you stuck around close by. She wasn’t as verbal as usual either. Which threw up red flags as you followed her around town. She wanted to walk, buy groceries, eat lunch, then go home and write. Usually, she would go on about her favorite things in the market, but now she was just reading off her list as you dealt with the vendors. They give you discounts, since you’re a victor, you pay full price anyways.

As you’re leaving the market, a couple kids run up, screaming. Every alarm is set as Laura tenses up and you ask someone to take them away while you pull Laura into a nearby ally.

Her eyes are wide and she stares off behind you. _She looks terrified._ You do something stupid, because you care about your and her feelings more about your health. You shake her shoulders and repeat her name, trying to get her to snap out of it. It takes her a couple minutes until the glaze over her eyes leave, but the terror doesn’t. You feel yourself panic when you’re being shoved against the wall behind you and her forearm against your neck. You will yourself to keep calm as she pushes against it until you can barely breath.

“Hey, cupcake,” You wheeze, “Kinda would be like to be able to breath.”

It takes her a couple seconds, but she stumbles backwards until she hits the wall behind her and you slide to the ground. You’re both breathless. It takes you way longer than it does her to get your voice back, but as soon as she is, she’s apologizing.

“I’m sorry,” She repeats. In the tone of voice that kills you because she’s on the verge of crying.

You shake your head weakly, “It happens, sundance.”

“I almost _killed you,”_ Laura starts to cry, “It’s not okay.”

“I didn’t say it was okay. But it happens. We lash out, it’s my fault anyways. I panicked too. Okay?”

“For now.”

* * *

**You don’t know why you keep waking up in the middle of the night.** It’s been happening for the past couple weeks and usually you’re able too fall back to sleep almost immediately. But tonight, everything is almost to bright and too loud; even though it’s just the moonlight and crickets. The blankets are to heavy and even Laura’s gentle breathing make you squeeze your eyes shut and your head pound. You sit up as quietly as possible and slip out of bed. The creaking of the floorboards seem too loud while you walk down the stairs. You make a glass of water and sit at the island of the kitchen. You try to focus on the plant sitting on the middle of the granite. Try to focus on the details of the leaves instead of every noise and light around you. It’s still a lot. You feel like you can hear all the pipes settling in the walls. You know _that_ is just your mind. It’s hard to block it all out. You find yourself just staring at the cup of water until something warm brushes your shoulder.

You don’t even remember being able to move so fast until your holding Laura’s wrist. Her calming eyes takes the edge of fear off, but everything is too loud.

“Carm,” She whispers, “Too much?”

You find yourself nodding.

She nods too and eases herself in the chair next to you. She’s careful to be close, she watches your eyes for any discomfort as she grabs your hand. As soon as you tense, she lets go and smiles softly. She’s still sleepy, you note. You can tell by the way her eyes are way softer and kinda droopy. Laura stands up and basically glides around the kitchen, she gets you some pain pills and a cool rag. You smile gratefully when she hands it all to you.

Your voice is hoarse, “Thanks.”

She nods and watches you with a soft smile as you take the medicine and lay the rag across your wrists. It feels like hours before the movements slow and the pressure in your head is just a dull throb. Neither of you talk still. You still feel uneasy, like you could go back onto that edge if a sound hit the right nerve. You still smile at Laura though when she grabs your hand and gives it a gentle squeeze. Saying you’re okay with it right now.

She gestures behind her and whispers, “We can go to the meadow. It’s a cool night.”

You nod and ease over to the rack where your jackets are held and Laura hands you your leather one while she throws on one of your sweatshirts. The creak of the door makes your ear twitch but you focus on the feeling of Laura’s hand against yours. Before Laura, you couldn’t stand to be touched. You still can’t when you were as sensitive as earlier, but when you are at the switching point, the familiar feeling of her hand in yours can help bring you down. You both have had problems with the hypersensitivity before. She’s not exactly the most graceful or quiet person. You remember the time you snapped at her and locked yourself in the library for hours. She slipped in a water and some food before going to bed and said she was going to bed. You felt bad that night. But you couldn’t feel like you could explain what was happening. Afterwords, you explained as well as you could. You think she called Mattie and Danny while you were out one night. Because she soon learns how to stay around without causing you to get too frustrated. Then one time, she learns that cool nights help too.

Walks like this became normal. She would always wake up a little after you, and wait until you seemed calm enough to approach. Then, she would lead you out to the meadow and sat down while you would wonder. Sometimes you felt like you’d never come back to the real world, others, you could sit next to her and star gaze. Either way, she was there to lead you back home.

* * *

**You’re leading the way in one of your evening walks.** She talks about how her dad has been; you were in the study all day, starting a new painting. You planned on selling it, or giving it away, because you were about to run out of wall space in the house. It was kinda ridiculous, but it was better than the perfect white that hid under the canvas. It always was too bright for your taste.

Laura started to tug on your sleeve, “Carm, where are we going?”

You didn’t even realize what path you were taking. It was the same path you would take, running home from school and town every day.

“You’re okay, right?”

She nods.

“Wanna see where I grew up, cutie?”

She gives you a small smile and takes your hand, “You sure?”

“Well, were almost to the village, plus you’re probably wanna know.”

“I wanna know. But I don’t want to push you.”

“Good thing I’m the one asking you.”

It takes you another five minutes of walking through the forest before you even get to the poor side of your district. It lies outside of the suburbs, between town and most work places. Most of the houses are just small, rotten, log houses. Laura looks around with curious eyes. She grew up in the average home, not exactly rich but comfortable. You lead her past the broken fountain that was the center of the village.

Children would stop and stare as you lead her to where you grew up. Adults spoke in hushed tones and called them inside, telling them it was rude to just stare. Laura chuckles at that. You whisper about your neighbors and how there was never anything to do as a kid, besides school and creating games. You tell her about your mother and father, how your father was killed in an accident when you turned fourteen and your mother died of the heartbreak. Will was already dead and Mattie married someone powerful in the districts government, so by fifteen, you were alone and taking care of yourself. You dropped out of school and started to work full time. By the time Mattie was willing to help you, you learned to live on your own.

You didn’t mind.

You walked past your old house. Technically, you still owned it. You paid for others to stay in it, as long as they kept it up. You whispered all of this to Laura until you heard a familiar voice.

“Carmilla Karnstein,” It croaked, “What are you doing down here?”

The old woman sat on her front porch, her hands easily wilding something out of a stick.

“Ms. Voldenburg,” You sigh, “I’m taking my evening walk. And you?”

“Surviving.”

You roll your eyes, “Eighty-four and you haven’t lost a bit of spirit.”

“Wait,” Laura whispers, “You’re Baron Voldenburg’s wife?”

“Yes ma’am. You must be Laura,” The woman chuckled.

“Why are you _here?”_ You nudge Laura. As cute as she is when she’s figuring something out; she’s stepping into dangerous territory.

“I’m keeping the family home. Why would I move into a mansion when I don’t need it?”

Laura nods and stays quiet.

“We’ll be on our way, miss.” You say, leading Laura towards the exiting path.

The woman grumbles something and you both stay as you walk. You’re to focused on old memories and the feeling of nostalgia that sits in your chest to realize that Laura is leading you back home. You haven’t been back in the village in two years. It isn’t something you need anymore, but you’re glad you went. You let down another barrier. She leads you inside and into the kitchen. Laura sits down at the island as you rummage around to make a quick dinner. You throw leftover pizza in the oven and turn to her, who’s eyes weren’t really focused on anything.

“I can hear you thinking, cupcake.”

“Huh?”

You walk over to her and wrap your arms around her waist, “What’s on your mind?”

“You.”

“What about me?” You murmur into her hair.

She sighs, “You grew up with almost nothing, yet you’re so wonderful.”

“I’m sure others would call me something else.”

“You are though,” She twists around to face you, “You’re one of the most amazing people I’ve met.”

“I just do it for you,” You say before you kiss her.

She sighs into it and wraps her arms around your neck. You can feel her smile and you can’t hold back your own. She tries to deepen it, make it last a little longer, when you try to pull away.

“Stay.”

“The pizza is burning.”

“And?”

You laugh against her lips, “You wouldn’t want the house burning down, would you?”

She shakes her head and gets up, almost running up the stairs as she shouts, “I’ll see you up here.”

You roll your eyes and turn off the oven before following after her.

* * *

**You’re curled around Laura.** You are both glowing. The way the moonlight covers her and her warmth reminds you of the first time she stayed night. The first night she lived here. It almost feels the same. Your feelings are all over the place and you are both far from okay. But you are so much closer to her. There isn’t many more barriers for her to break through and you have learned that she'll hold little against you. You think, for once, that you’re safe. It took you almost five years to feel the way you feel now. So many trials and errors. Ignoring it, fighting it, just giving up. You lost friends. You lost family. For a while, you thought you lost everything. Then she walks in, determined and afraid.

She shows you what you have, and what you can get. You both learn and you both fight. With each other and yourself. You isolate yourself when she needs you the most and every part of you would scream because you fucked up. But she would always come back. She would bring you back from your terrifying mind and remind you, _we all fuck up, it doesn’t change **us.**_

Maybe that’s why you feel this way.

She didn’t fix you. As much as she wants to proclaim that you fixed her. You were crutches for each other. You were there to keep each other up when a part of them broke. You were the only one who could fix yourself. She was just there to keep you going.

“Laura?”

She makes whine, telling you she’s listening.

“I love you.”

You feel her sigh as you hold your breath. You’ve never meant that more than you do now. She twists around in your arms to look you in the eyes. The moonlight frames her face perfectly; you want to memorize this moment forever. Her eyes are soft and twinkling. A blush spreads across her cheeks. She’s smiling and she giggles.

“I love you. So much,” You don’t mean to say it again, but the way she’s looking at you makes your heart swell.

“Yeah?”

You nod.

“I love you.” She says.

She sighs and curls into your chest. You’re not sure what she mumbles against your collarbone but you are so glad to find out what home feels like. The next day, she catches you painting what you could only call an angel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wasn't sure how to write Laura's PTSD. I gave her the normal veteran-stereotype sort because that's really how _I_ saw her experiencing it. I did try to keep it to topics i've experienced though. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed!  
> [if you want to talk about this or writing in general.](http://www.odekarnstein.tumblr.com)  
> [if you wanna talk about anything really.](http://www.carmxllakarnstexn.tumblr.com)

**Author's Note:**

> as someone who has ptsd, i tried to make it as realistic as possible. But of course, i am writing what i thought people saw in this so it probably isn't correct. also, every case of ptsd is different. no one experiences or has the same symptoms/feelings,
> 
> I hope you enjoyed and i plan on getting the second chapter up as soon as possible.


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